The mercy of God

I grew up without religion or spirituality, and was your typical teenage atheist. But at the age of 11, I began what turned out to be 13 years of severe depression, anxiety, and psychosis. They called it depression but I wasn’t sad - I was terrified. I hated myself and was convinced that everyone else hated me too. I would work myself into a frenzy of self harming every night - every night for 13 years, until I would find myself laying on the floor, gasping, too tired to continue, and I would pray for death.

Every time this happened, God came a little closer. Because when you’re at your most vulnerable, that’s when the monsters have done their work - and God comes over and says, “I still love you. I still love you, when you’re lying here helpless. I love you even when you’re completely lost from yourself.”

I didn’t “Find God”. I didn’t convert. I didn’t read a book to learn what God was about. I just felt something, over those years, pulling me up gently over and over again like an invisible string. Sometimes with my eyes closed, I would feel the room fill with light, and a warmth wash over me.

Now at the age of 24, the darkness is gone. The pain is gone. And every day I am thankful for His mercy. This song, Never Let Me Go, is exactly how God feels to me - and makes me feel awe every time I hear it. This feeling of being loved so unconditionally makes me cry and laugh at the same time.